like any Self Respecting inhabitant of the First World, jonie v. is seeking the help of a Therapist, which, she believes, will provide her with an Answer to all Life’s Questions. by the time of this writing, jonie v. has gone through six miami Therapists without finding one that seems even remotely Acceptable. here is a transcript of her Phone Interviews with miami Therapists no. 5 and no. 6, both of whom she found on the american psychoanalytic association Website.
[ring ring]
hello?
JV: hello?
MT5: yes, hello.
JV [who was expecting an Answering Machine and is therefore a bit Flustered]: hi, my name is [unintelligible italian name], i’m a first time caller.
MT5: yah.
JV [annoyed at herself for having used the Idiotic Phrase "first time caller"]: i’m looking for a therapist.
MT5: uh-huh.
JV [beginning to think that MT5 is a Jerk]: do you have any openings?
MT5: no.
JV: okay, thanks.
MT5: okay. good luck.
[click]
realizing that MT5 was indeed a Jerk and regretting the fact that she doesn’t have any a) Cigarettes or b) Whiskey in the house to fortify her, jonie v. nonetheless dials the second number down.
[ring ring]
ANSWERING MACHINE: blah blah blah
JV: i’m looking for a therapist, call me.
[click]
one minute later jonie v.’s telephone rings, except it doesn’t really ring, because lately jonie v. has been keeping her telephone off. jonie v. hears the answering machine engage and blather out its Announcement, upon which she hears a Loud Click.
curious to know whether the caller was MT6, jonie v., who doesn’t have Caller ID, dials *69 and learns that, in fact, the caller was MT6. jonie v. begins to form the impression that MT6 is a Loser.
[ring ring]
hello [jonie v.'s name, decently pronounced].
JV: hello, you just called me.
MT6: yes.
JV: how can i help you?
MT6: you called me. i was returning your call.
JV: oh yeah. i am looking for a therapist.
MT6: it’s lucky because i have some openings and i could see you next wednesday.
JV: okay.
MT6: i am close to the dadeland mall. do you know where it is?
JV: sure.
MT6: this is my address [gives jonie v. his address]. when you come in fill out the paperwork with the secretary.
JV [who doesn't like the idea of filling out the paperwork with the secretary one bit]: is it for insurance purposes?
MT6 [confused by jonie v.'s accent, misunderstanding her]: oh, yes, that’s a good question. what insurance do you have?
JV [who doesn't like discussing money with a therapist on the phone]: how much do you charge?
MT6 names fee that seems astronomical to jonie v.
JV: that’s steep.
MT6: well, i sometimes lower it for some patients, but i can’t guarantee i’ll be able to do it with you. i’d hate to tell you that i will when it might turn out that i won’t.
JV [wondering what Force in the Universe MT6's Lowering of the Fee depends on]: okay, don’t worry about it, i’ll call the next therapist on the list.
MT6: i’m sorry.
JV: really, don’t worry about it.
MT6: if you want i can recommend a social worker.
JV: a social worker?
MT6: she’s the only person i can think of who charges less than me.
JV: oh. thanks anyway.
MT6 [with hope in his voice]: did you say you wanted psychoanalysis?
JV: do you mean the 2-3 times a week thing?
MT6: it’s actually 4 times a week.
JV: no, i didn’t. why?
MT6: i am training to become a psychoanalyst and if you are willing to have psychoanalysis with me i can charge you a lot less than what i said earlier.
JV: you mean you would charge me less if i saw you more often?
MT6: yes, because of my training.
JV [recoiling in Horror]: it’s very generous of you. thank you. i’ll have to think about it.
MT6: okay.
JV: okay then. bye.
MT6: sorry i can’t do better than this.
JV: please don’t worry about it.
[click]
exhausted, jonie v. takes a long afternoon nap in which she dreams of Good but Unattainable Things.
this Is hilarious.
sorry you’re having such rotten luck with the therapeuts! Hang in there and keep at it! Just keep on keepin’ on! K.o.k.o.! Like the ape! The sign-language ape!
thanks, li’l pony!
did you see the tags?
hahahhahahahah.
I’m glad you are choosing to share this with us, the nonny mice. Not licensed therapists, but willing listeners who can google your ails and then provide unqualified advice on them. I haven’t googled anything yet so I can’t give you any unsolicited advice, but the words “sour cream” seem to be coming up lately, so maybe a bowl of that will provide a bit of comfort.
As you know, Zarizar had terrible luck with the Miami therapists as well, so she feels your pain. I can promise that if you call me I won’t charge (my going rate). In fact, I am willing to work for any of the following: egg roll, ice cream, bar of soap, Jet Blue flight out of Syracuse, cat treat, whatever.
Hang in there, miss v.!! We love you!!!!!!!!
zarizar! the dictates of my Culture prescribe that i be a Paying Patient. thanks for you Kind Offer, regardless!
i may just give the sour cream a miss, though, if you don’t mind. i don’t want to become fat!
i’ll let you and the other nonnies know about developments in my quest!
bye!!! i love you too!!!!!
Great post! Please write another one post haste!
thank you, first-time commenter!
The in-training thing is really real, though, you know, and a really good deal… Did it offend you? It’s hard to find analysands if you are not yet in full-time practice. But they need us to get certified. I sometimes wish I’d gone that route, which I might have if I’d know about it.